the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
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