turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
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