it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
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