Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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