Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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