Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
