what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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