I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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