so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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