Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
