You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
