even my farts smell like vagina
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
