ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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