We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
