did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Randomize
