I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Randomize
