thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
