names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
