So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Randomize
