He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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