I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
