and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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