I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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