If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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