FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
