I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Randomize
