the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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