I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
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