She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
