you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Randomize
