The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
