you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
