He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
