You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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