I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
She's the barista slut.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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