Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
