After last night, I could never be a politician.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
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