the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Randomize
