please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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