dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
