I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize
