So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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