babies were throwing up all over the place
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
