she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
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