Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
