shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
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