ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
