i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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