dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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