we have pet lesbian snakes
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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