Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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