Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
