You're completely useless in the revolution.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
