I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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