every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
