absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
