He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
