I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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