hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
