I smell stomach acid.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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