I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
