It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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