I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
