so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
